dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
