I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
