She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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