Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
