you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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