6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
