dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
