Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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