Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
