sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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