The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
