Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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