My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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