my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize