Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
