you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
