that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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