NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
