That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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