i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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