Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
