i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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