Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
