mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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