sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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