The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
