we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
