at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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