I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
