I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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