the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are my feet made of real feet?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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