I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
