Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
operation have a gay friend backfired
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
