i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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