My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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