She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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