farters have to be the big spoon...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
