You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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