it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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