so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
