Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
