i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
