Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We are two peas in an std pod
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
