You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
