Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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