break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
