How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
