Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
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Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."