Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.