I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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