and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
