hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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