Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
