Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
