Welp...herpes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
