never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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