things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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