His hands were made for my vagina.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
